My Ruined Life

I promise this post is not as grim as the title proposes it to be. My life is by no means in ruins or even close to ruins. The idea for this post came to me after watching a video of a couple who after trying to have children of their own, finally abandoned their plans of the life they had imagined and found an alternate plan in adoption. Though it wasn't what they would have chosen for themselves, they found it to be everything they ever hoped for and more. The video is titled "Gloriously Ruined."

There are moments or possibly phases of our lives that seemed to have been ruined by the reality of our world. Heartbreak, death, rejection, regret, the whole gamut can bring you to your knees and it will most definitely make you feel as if your life is in ruins. In our minds, what actually happened could not have been further from what we had planned and so we fill ourselves with bitterness and disappointment at our shorted lives. We think about how much is still missing. We think how our lives lack the luster of what our 20 year old selves dreamed of.  We get stuck on what what we should be doing, what we should have, and where we should be. According to my 19 year-old self, I should be in New York, living in Carrie Bradshaw's apartment and designing for Michael Kors by now. Cut to me living in my hometown, teaching 5th graders how to add fractions, and mastering the art of grocery shopping for one. The fact is, our lives will always look totally different from what our minds tell us they should look like. If you would have told me four years ago what I would be doing today, I would have slapped you. Hard.

But, the thing is even if I wouldn't have believed you then and even if I had kept chasing my dreams of being on Project Runway, I have a feeling that I would have found my life to be missing something and I have a feeling that that missing piece would have led me back to this exact spot.

See, I think somewhere along the way I would have realized that designing fabulous handbags isn't everything I was meant to do. For some small and delusional reason, I believe that my original, 19-year-old, life plan was given a million and one road blocks so that I could figure out that I was selling myself short. Don't get me wrong, I would still be seriously jealous of anyone that does design for Michael Kors, but I was privileged and blessed enough to be given a series of rejections and detours to my plan which, in turn, led me to a new plan that was no longer my own.

I can't take credit for this new plan, because I didn't come up with it. No, this plan found me more than I found it. I wasn't looking for a career in education. I wasn't looking for a small apartment a few miles from home. And I certainly wasn't looking for living on a budget. (My obsession with Michael Kors could explain that part). But, here I am living my ruined life and loving it.

Yes, there are days when I find myself not "loving" it as much as other days and there are definitely times when I wish I was eating brunch with my friends and wearing Manolos instead of washing Expo marker off my face and grading papers until my eyes burn. But regardless, I learned a while ago that my idea of how my life should be is always going to be different than how it will actually end up. And the sooner I see the roadblocks, the delays, and the detours as blessings, rather than devastations, the easier and the more amazing this ride will be.

Here is the video Gloriously Ruined. And yes it made me cry.

The Road Not Taken...

So, according to my laptop I have exactly one hour and nine minutes to create this blog post. Most likely this won't happen, because I tend to analyze things to death before actually committing to them. My apologies for a disjointed entry if my writing just so happens to get cut short this evening. In a haste to leave school today, I made it a point to not take my laptop charger with me to prevent myself from working all night on things that should probably be left well enough alone until tomorrow morning. But, what do you know, someone suddenly gets the itch to write on the very night she doesn't provide herself with the necessary tools to do so.

Anyway, it is nice to be writing again. Yes, I know it has been a while. Technically this isn't the first time I've written something since my last official entry. I started an entry two weeks ago and never finished it. You never saw it, because I abandoned it. It started well, catchy opening, spotted with witty remarks. Yes, I just called myself witty. I really thought it was going to make the final cut. But then I realized that catchy opening had drug on until I wasn't sure why I began the post in the first place. It probably isn't the only thing I've abandoned in the past month. It seems that when "back to school" season arrives, my life in all other areas comes to somewhat of a screeching halt. Some of that is my fault, as only a second year teacher, I have still yet to figure out how to balance work and the personal life. Yes, as soon as those Target commercials start reeling, Kristen starts disappearing. Ew I don't even like when people refer to themselves in third person. I'm sorry. I'm tired.

Long story short, "back to school" time is pure chaos. Pure chaos meaning, it makes me long for summer, where my days were filled with a little less analyzing and a lot more eating. My inbox was full of junk mail, workouts started after 5 am, I don't think I spilled coffee on myself once, my dog was fed regularly (he's fine I swear), reading a book before bed was actually possible. I've been carrying around the same unopened book for two weeks now, no progress yet, just the idea of holding something at eye level after 7 pm puts me to sleep. In case you were wondering, my new bedtime is 9:00 pm; a little earlier than I'd like to admit, but hey that's why you read this, because I'm honest, sometimes too honest.

As for during the school year, just take everything I told you in the preceding paragraph and assume the opposite. My days are spent corralling fifth graders into the right classroom and holding their attention for an hour and a half while teaching them decimal place value. But, it's the cross I must bear, because I love it. Some days I wish I didn't love my job so much, so I could just throw in the towel and find a job that didn't ask so much of you; a job that didn't require you to become a better person every day; a job that didn't cause you stay up late worrying about seventy little souls all depending on you to have your stuff together tomorrow; a job that was easy. Yes, some days I wish I didn't care so much. But, then I realize, deep down, I hope that day never comes, because I have learned more about how to be a good person in the past year than I probably have my entire life.

Being a teacher has pushed me to become a better version of myself. I've always considered myself to be a person that strives to do good in the world, but as it usually happens, life causes us to become passive towards this goal, at some times more than others. When I started teaching, I realized I had two options. I either quit and took the easy, passive route or I stayed and took the one that was not easily traveled, but all the more worth it.

I don't go to work for myself any more, I go to work because I have an obligation to share what I've been given. What I have been privileged enough to receive, I am expected to return to others. "To those whom much is given, much is required." God has given so much to my life that I would be hard pressed to say that I have nothing to give back. So, on those days where I'm wishing I didn't care so much or I'm wishing I had taken a job that didn't ask so much of me, I'll think of God and what He's given me and what He needs from me.

The thing we forget in our journey towards happiness, is that it's not found serving ourselves. It's found serving others. And whether you hold my same beliefs or not, truth is truth. Spend your whole life chasing happiness or accept that in order to find it, you must take the road less traveled.


Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.



Robert Frost

To My Students...

This is my second entry for this week. But, lucky for you, you'll have the privilege of reading only one. I wrote an entry last night and after working on it for about an hour and a half, I realized it was clouded with random thoughts and just annoying... and so I deleted it. Haha we always seem to be a little delirious after Mondays. I decided it should be deleted after I realized that it wasn't the message I wanted to share with you this week. The original told you all about how to find peace inside yourself, even if it seemed to be work at times. When life hands you lemons...you get the idea. I do think it's an important message for all of us to know and practice, but really it's something I think everyone's heard and the last thing I'd want to do with my blog is state the obvious. I like to think I'm giving my two readers a different perspective or maybe just a spark of inspiration every now and then. So with that in mind, here's my best shot.

Instead of sharing with you (my adult audience) my insight on 'inner peace' I thought I'd write this one to my students, you know those kids I spend every day with. I think they deserve their own letter from me to them.

To my students: 

First and foremost, I want you to know how happy I am to have shared this year with you. You have made my day time and again and I have loved every minute of it (well, almost every minute). This letter is my gift to you, to thank you for being such a loving group of kids. It may not seem like such a treat, giving you something else to read, but either way you see it, I hope you'll keep this as a reminder of another year in your life that you can look back on and learn from. Being your teacher, it's pretty impossible for me not to want to teach you in everything I do. So yes, this too comes with a lesson. :)

This whole year I worried about your learning. I worried that you would forget the things I taught you. I worried you would forget how to add fractions, how to do long division, the difference between a factor and a multiple... (hah that was a fun one huh?). I worried and worried. But, you taught me something while I was teaching you. You taught me that none of those things matter in comparison to what kind of heart you have. 

You have my permission to forget everything I taught you this year, (I really hope you don't), as long as you remember this one lesson. Your life is going to be full of experiences, full of tough times and good times, times you love and times you wish you were back in fifth grade. But through all of it, good and bad, the only thing that really matters is how close your heart is to God's. If your heart is close to God's heart, then nothing can stop you. (Not even math or science) As long as you stay close to God, He'll always make sure you get where you need to be. That is my promise and His. I can tell you this because I know it to be true. He has done so much for my life and I have never done anything close to deserving it. The only thing I've made sure of is that I never lost sight of Him. Even during some of my toughest times, I still talked to Him and let Him know I needed His help. And you know what? He always came to my rescue. God has a plan for you, a very beautiful plan for you, and this is only the beginning. So take your time in growing up, because God has so much to show you along the way and your only job is to trust Him. 

Love,

Ms. Simpson



"For I know the plans I have in mind for you, plans for peace, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."- Jeremiah 29:11

Have a Little Faith.

Well, look who's returned from her winter hibernation... I'm here trying to string together some thoughts for you to read. But all I can come up with is that state assessments began today......................................................................Hah that's excessive, but they did begin today and thus also began "crunch time" for many of our teachers. I'm thanking God I'm not the only one who feels like there is still so much I have yet to cover with only 13 days to do it. One of those days is a field trip, so really its 12, and so really I'm freaking out. (Disclosure: I exaggerate to make this all more interesting for you to read). While I was planning to pack those precious, little 12 days with teaching adding and subtracting unlike fractions, measurement conversions, functions, coordinate graphing...and so on and so forth, I realized I was overlooking something. And no, it wasn't S3.B1.K3. Although, I did forget to mention that as one of the standards I will be managing to somehow squeeze in during the final 12. No, I overlooked the fact that these aren't the "final days" to teach your kids everything you have left on that state standards flippin' chart...excuse me, flip chart.

After the bell rang this afternoon, I sat down at my desk and filled in literally every day up until April 3rd, 8:30 AM. And then when I finished, I looked it all and started laughing. Because I know, even being a first year, newbie, that a good 80% of those plans will be erased, rewritten, postponed, and almost entirely different by the end of this week. I'm still laughing now. I really can't believe I did it. I think it was more of an effort to calm my nerves rather than it actually being any sort of productive lesson planning. Oh well, I went home feeling somewhat more stable than when I started my day.

It's funny how we sort of "trick" ourselves into thinking we can do it all. Which is exactly what I did today, and I know it too. I know I won't get through it all and I know my kids won't have "mastered" everything I've taught them this year either. But, the paranoid, perfectionist within me just has to be superficially reassured every now and then. The fact that I know I'm satisfying my anxieties with plans that could hardly even be considered tentative, really proves I've got a problem. Haha thankfully, I think it's one many of us have. We sort of create these hard lined, unaccomplishable expectations for our lives, just to make ourselves feel better. While it's good to have high expectations, I think we overlook some things when we plan ahead.  We overlook our natural ability to overcome some pretty amazing tasks. If you really pay attention to all that you've accomplished, you can actually surprise yourself at how far you've come. And I mean really pay attention. We take for granted a lot of things in this life; our health, our family, lifestyles, etc., but one of them, is our own progress as a human being. I think we forget where we started and where we are now and we don't stop to turn around and look at the distance traveled. We really just keep looking ahead and complaining about how much more is left to go. And so while I'm still going to try to hopelessly fit it all in before D-Day, I'm not going to be devastated when it doesn't happen.

When I look back on the past seven months, I still can't even believe how much I've changed as a teacher and as a person. I remember starting the year out not even believing I was good enough at math and science to understand the curriculum, let alone be responsible for teaching it to ten year olds. And now I can't even imagine teaching anything else, although I probably should for flexibility's sake. The whole time I spent anxiously preparing for my first year of teaching everyone kept telling me "you'll be great," "it will all work out", "you have nothing to worry about," and I never believed them. But, now I do. I look back on my year and I'm in love with it. I love that my year was filled with challenging those limiting expectations I've always had for myself. And I really love asking my kids to solve a long division problem, because now they're excited to answer, because they know how to. When just a few short months ago, they all had me convinced they couldn't do it. Life does a lot for us, we just have to pay attention. You'll be surprised at how far you've come once you stop and take a look behind you.

So, no these are not the "final days" before state assessments. This is just another step, just like all the others. "It will all work out," just like everyone tells you, except this time I'll be more apt to believe them.







"Let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind." James 1:6