Have a Little Faith.

Well, look who's returned from her winter hibernation... I'm here trying to string together some thoughts for you to read. But all I can come up with is that state assessments began today......................................................................Hah that's excessive, but they did begin today and thus also began "crunch time" for many of our teachers. I'm thanking God I'm not the only one who feels like there is still so much I have yet to cover with only 13 days to do it. One of those days is a field trip, so really its 12, and so really I'm freaking out. (Disclosure: I exaggerate to make this all more interesting for you to read). While I was planning to pack those precious, little 12 days with teaching adding and subtracting unlike fractions, measurement conversions, functions, coordinate graphing...and so on and so forth, I realized I was overlooking something. And no, it wasn't S3.B1.K3. Although, I did forget to mention that as one of the standards I will be managing to somehow squeeze in during the final 12. No, I overlooked the fact that these aren't the "final days" to teach your kids everything you have left on that state standards flippin' chart...excuse me, flip chart.

After the bell rang this afternoon, I sat down at my desk and filled in literally every day up until April 3rd, 8:30 AM. And then when I finished, I looked it all and started laughing. Because I know, even being a first year, newbie, that a good 80% of those plans will be erased, rewritten, postponed, and almost entirely different by the end of this week. I'm still laughing now. I really can't believe I did it. I think it was more of an effort to calm my nerves rather than it actually being any sort of productive lesson planning. Oh well, I went home feeling somewhat more stable than when I started my day.

It's funny how we sort of "trick" ourselves into thinking we can do it all. Which is exactly what I did today, and I know it too. I know I won't get through it all and I know my kids won't have "mastered" everything I've taught them this year either. But, the paranoid, perfectionist within me just has to be superficially reassured every now and then. The fact that I know I'm satisfying my anxieties with plans that could hardly even be considered tentative, really proves I've got a problem. Haha thankfully, I think it's one many of us have. We sort of create these hard lined, unaccomplishable expectations for our lives, just to make ourselves feel better. While it's good to have high expectations, I think we overlook some things when we plan ahead.  We overlook our natural ability to overcome some pretty amazing tasks. If you really pay attention to all that you've accomplished, you can actually surprise yourself at how far you've come. And I mean really pay attention. We take for granted a lot of things in this life; our health, our family, lifestyles, etc., but one of them, is our own progress as a human being. I think we forget where we started and where we are now and we don't stop to turn around and look at the distance traveled. We really just keep looking ahead and complaining about how much more is left to go. And so while I'm still going to try to hopelessly fit it all in before D-Day, I'm not going to be devastated when it doesn't happen.

When I look back on the past seven months, I still can't even believe how much I've changed as a teacher and as a person. I remember starting the year out not even believing I was good enough at math and science to understand the curriculum, let alone be responsible for teaching it to ten year olds. And now I can't even imagine teaching anything else, although I probably should for flexibility's sake. The whole time I spent anxiously preparing for my first year of teaching everyone kept telling me "you'll be great," "it will all work out", "you have nothing to worry about," and I never believed them. But, now I do. I look back on my year and I'm in love with it. I love that my year was filled with challenging those limiting expectations I've always had for myself. And I really love asking my kids to solve a long division problem, because now they're excited to answer, because they know how to. When just a few short months ago, they all had me convinced they couldn't do it. Life does a lot for us, we just have to pay attention. You'll be surprised at how far you've come once you stop and take a look behind you.

So, no these are not the "final days" before state assessments. This is just another step, just like all the others. "It will all work out," just like everyone tells you, except this time I'll be more apt to believe them.







"Let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind." James 1:6