Finding Ms. Simpson

I have to be honest. I started this blog more for a sort of 'new teacher talk therapy' rather than attempting to be a brand new, over-ambitious teacher ready to share every nifty idea she's found on Pinterest. I admire them dearly and I am secretly hoping to turn into one of those bloggers; the ones that provide every fellow teacher with helpful resources and lesson ideas. But, for now, I have to accept that in my naivete and youth of teaching, I have no idea how I could begin to help other teachers with their lessons when I don't even have tomorrow's planned and it's 8:07 pm. I realize how this makes me look, but I have a good explanation. I promise. Today was my fifth day of teaching, real teaching (not student teaching or assisting or observing or whatever other hoop you have to jump through to get your education degree). So, I've been teaching for five whole days, in my own classroom, with my own students, and in the teaching position I acquired through my own hard work and dedication to finding a teaching job before graduation this past May. I apologize now for rambling, my exhaustion and numerous out of body experiences this week are mostly responsible for this, and I just drank a glass of wine. Anyway, today was my fifth day of teaching and needless to say numero cinco brought me to tears.  After feeling almost entirely unsure of myself and my ability to teach these past two weeks, today really iced the cake. I had spent the entire weekend planning math and science lessons for my fifth graders and was ready to finally feel confident in what I was teaching and how I was going to teach it. But, the dear Lord had other plans for me. After placing the final touches on my science lesson during my planning period today, I was hopeful that I was organized enough for these physical science concepts to be communicated crystal clearly to my fresh-faced fifth graders. [Insert any expression related to "Boy was I wrong!"]  Three of those 'out of body experiences' happened today while teaching this lesson. I'm not sure when it hit me that what I was saying was doing more bouncing around the walls of my halfway decorated classroom than it was registering in any of the brains of my fifth grade students. They all looked at me, helpless, thoroughly confused, and completely bored. My checks for understanding ("Get it?" "Do you understand?" "Are you with me?") were now being responded to with wide eyes and slumped shoulders. I stopped, smiled, and began crying on the inside. I'm sure any teacher (student, new, or veteran) have had this same experience. It's that moment when you no longer have any idea what you're saying. You're pacing back and forth, not because you're so enthralled with the text in front of you, but because you're hoping, on that journey from the front of the room to the back of the room, you'll have an epiphany and you'll suddenly know exactly how to get through to them, the bell will ring, and they will leave, having learned one more thing to prepare them for state assessments. Well that epiphany did not come and I resorted to telling them that whatever was confusing them should be forgotten until tomorrow when I revisit everything we just talked about. I do have a plan for tomorrow. I was being dramatic when I said I had no plans. My plan is to redo, or rather, undo and then redo what I attempted to do today. I'm learning. I realize this. So, if your child is my student please do not worry that they will not learn what they need to this year. They will. You have my word. I promise that they will not only learn what a fifth grader needs to know to be prepared for sixth grade, but they will learn what it means to be a good person; a person that respects others, shares, accepts, and, most importantly, loves. My love of teaching got me here and it will get me through. So, who knows what tomorrow will be like, but that's partly why I love this profession. And like my veteran fifth grade teammate said yesterday "No one can teach you how to teach, you have to find it for yourself."