I promise this post is not as grim as the title proposes it to be. My life is by no means in ruins or even close to ruins. The idea for this post came to me after watching a video of a couple who after trying to have children of their own, finally abandoned their plans of the life they had imagined and found an alternate plan in adoption. Though it wasn't what they would have chosen for themselves, they found it to be everything they ever hoped for and more. The video is titled "Gloriously Ruined."
There are moments or possibly phases of our lives that seemed to have been ruined by the reality of our world. Heartbreak, death, rejection, regret, the whole gamut can bring you to your knees and it will most definitely make you feel as if your life is in ruins. In our minds, what actually happened could not have been further from what we had planned and so we fill ourselves with bitterness and disappointment at our shorted lives. We think about how much is still missing. We think how our lives lack the luster of what our 20 year old selves dreamed of. We get stuck on what what we should be doing, what we should have, and where we should be. According to my 19 year-old self, I should be in New York, living in Carrie Bradshaw's apartment and designing for Michael Kors by now. Cut to me living in my hometown, teaching 5th graders how to add fractions, and mastering the art of grocery shopping for one. The fact is, our lives will always look totally different from what our minds tell us they should look like. If you would have told me four years ago what I would be doing today, I would have slapped you. Hard.
But, the thing is even if I wouldn't have believed you then and even if I had kept chasing my dreams of being on Project Runway, I have a feeling that I would have found my life to be missing something and I have a feeling that that missing piece would have led me back to this exact spot.
See, I think somewhere along the way I would have realized that designing fabulous handbags isn't everything I was meant to do. For some small and delusional reason, I believe that my original, 19-year-old, life plan was given a million and one road blocks so that I could figure out that I was selling myself short. Don't get me wrong, I would still be seriously jealous of anyone that does design for Michael Kors, but I was privileged and blessed enough to be given a series of rejections and detours to my plan which, in turn, led me to a new plan that was no longer my own.
I can't take credit for this new plan, because I didn't come up with it. No, this plan found me more than I found it. I wasn't looking for a career in education. I wasn't looking for a small apartment a few miles from home. And I certainly wasn't looking for living on a budget. (My obsession with Michael Kors could explain that part). But, here I am living my ruined life and loving it.
Yes, there are days when I find myself not "loving" it as much as other days and there are definitely times when I wish I was eating brunch with my friends and wearing Manolos instead of washing Expo marker off my face and grading papers until my eyes burn. But regardless, I learned a while ago that my idea of how my life should be is always going to be different than how it will actually end up. And the sooner I see the roadblocks, the delays, and the detours as blessings, rather than devastations, the easier and the more amazing this ride will be.
Here is the video Gloriously Ruined. And yes it made me cry.
