I told myself I was going to finally set aside time to update my blog tonight. I actually hesitated toward the idea not because I didn't want to update, but because I knew if I got on my laptop I'd end up doing work for school and my attempt to find a release for my thoughts would quickly become a cause for more to start running through my head. I know myself too well, because I logged onto my computer at 7:10 and it's now 8:01 pm, I spent the last 49 minutes sending parent emails. BUT, I'm here now, breathing and typing, and that's all that matters. I'm actually having a bit of trouble lighting my fire on what to blog about this evening. Which is a surprise, with all that's been happening in my life lately, I should have plenty of fuel for the fire. Needless to say, I'm pretty tired (really, truly tired) at the end of the day. I'm not complaining by any means. I actually find fulfillment in being tired, it means I gave today what I had to give. Or it could just mean that I'm a 22 year old first year teacher who's trying to figure out how to be a good role model, compassionate mentor, and an effective educator all at once, while still managing to squeeze in a side of a personal life. I find myself sitting and staring a lot. My plan time lately has mostly consisted of sitting at my desk, soaking in the silence, and staring into space. So, if my post is a little scattered, boring, or just annoying, it's because I'm not able to organize my thoughts well enough for this to be entertaining.
Monday I felt on top of the world. I used my plan/down time so efficiently that I had the entire week planned by the time school dismissed. Tuesday was a Tuesday, my kids did really well in grasping the new concepts in math (estimating decimals and whole numbers). And today (Wednesday), was really that hump you have to pull yourself over to get through the rest of the week. I'm not sure why today was so hard. Actually, that's a lie. I do know why. At some point during the day, I stopped listening to myself and my own teaching style (although barely existent at this point in my career) and started comparing what I was doing in my classroom with what a colleague of mine was doing in her own. We were discussing different strategies I could start using in my teaching. They were great pieces of advice. But, by no fault of my colleague's, I began to question whether what I was doing was good enough for my kids. It was a strange moment of inspiration and disappointment. While I was uncovering new ideas and resources, I was quickly becoming aware of how much I didn't know and it freaked me out. I suddenly looked at my plans for the rest of the week and wanted to erase them all (always plan in pencil) thinking I was headed in the entirely wrong direction. I spent the rest of the day in my perfectionist head analyzing my every teacher move.
The days I spend with my kids are the best days. The days I spend with myself are the hardest. If I stay stuck in my mind for too long, I forget what this is all really about. I forget about them and what they mean to me. I have to remind myself to stay in the moment and out of my head. Chalk it up to another lesson learned. I'll store it for what tomorrow holds for me. I'm really not quite sure how I'm still writing coherently at this point, I apologize for such an uneventful post. But, in other exciting news, one of my students has started his own detective business and has offered to solve any mystery (no case too small for this guy) for 25 cents. He's complained of a lack of clients, so if you know any good mysteries that need solving, be sure to let me know.
Here's a list of some of my major lessons learned in just the first month of teaching:
1. "[Teachin's] like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna' get."
2. "Take it every 15 minutes at a time," -My veteran teacher friend (Some days this is subject to change to every 5 or 2 minutes at a time).
3. Don't reinvent the wheel. (beg, borrow, and steal resources)
5. Be patient with yourself.
6. Forgive yourself for not being everything you expected yourself to be.
7. Laugh at the ridiculousness. (Every now and then, I have to stop and laugh at what my kids are doing when they think I'm not watching).
8. Find a release. (Blogging, working out, talking with your best friend, good music, window shopping, are a few of my favorites)
9. Treat yourself or let yourself be treated. (buy yourself something nice or let someone take you to dinner, it does more for you than you expect)
10. Those days where you feel like you have so much to do, but you can't concentrate long enough to get anything done are the days that you need to do nothing, go home, pour yourself a glass of wine, and turn on Norah Jones. The work will be there tomorrow, your sanity won't.
And my sanity is on its way out, so I'm on my way to bed. Goodnight :)
